Who is the Best Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?

I was having one of those pointless yet meaningful discussions with a friend about who was the best ninja turtle. In case you’re already lost, I’m referring to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, and of course Michelangelo. My friend had the nerve to claim Leonardo was in fact the best. Now clearly he’s wrong, but if I told you the right answer you might just stop reading. Instead I’ll try and produce a valid argument, and hopefully by the end of it you’ll come to the same conclusion as I have.

Now for starters we know that all four turtles have the same training. However, they do differ in the weapons they chose to master. So if we’re going to compare them on their weapons we can immediately eliminate Raphael. Let’s be honest Sais may look cool, but they’re just a glorified cross between a knife and a fork. Unless the enemy is wielding sporks, Raphael is just out-matched. Although the thought of Raphael fighting crime with silverware is ridiculous, so is the idea of nun-chucks. I must admit I hopped on the nun-chuck bandwagon when I first saw Michelangelo use his chucks. But I was young, and didn’t know any better. Truth is this is a very basic weapon. It’s just holding something and swinging something. The same affect can be accomplished by fighting with a yo-yo, but at least with a yo-yo you can walk the dog. The other downside with nun-chucks is the potential risk involved with using them. I could hop online right now and Youtube thousands of videos where someone hits themselves while swinging nun-chucks. Plus most of these videos probably involve a crouch shot, but that’s not the point. The point is this weapon is just too risky to use in a real fight. The only weapons that would be truly successful in a fight are Leonardo’s sword and Donatello’s bow.

At this point you’re probably thinking that a bow is just a stick and is no match for a sword. Unfortunately you would be jumping to conclusions, and should stop to look at the facts. People have been hitting each other with sticks since the cavemen. Truth is hitting someone with a stick is so simple it’s idiot-proof. Not to mention a bow has the same reach as a sword, yet the sword does have cutting power. The fact that the sword could cut through a bow is probably the only argument one could make for the sword. However, if you’re trained to kill with a bow and someone cuts your bow in half, do you know what you have? Two bows. That’s right you just gave someone who could kill you with one stick two sticks. As far as weapons are concerned, I’d have to say the winner is clearly Donatello with his bow.

The other deciding factor in best turtle would be personality. This will be a real short debate because the facts are simple. Leonardo is too uptight, Raphael is too hot-tempered, and Michelangelo can’t take anything seriously. Again Donatello is the winner with his cool head and innovative ideas. He is not only someone I would fight alongside, but someone whose company I’d enjoy for a post-fight beer… or pizza if he prefers.

Once again I’m going to have to put my money on the guy in purple. Donatello is the best Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

Smart Humor

A friend mentioned he had just bought a new motherboard for his computer. When I told him one day she'll give birth to a fine young board, he did not laugh. I guess my joke was a little too smart for the guy who buys computer parts. Take that smart guy!

How Polite is He?

He's so polite, he courtesy flushes at the urinal.

Color of Champions

My favorite color would have to be Highlighter Yellow. Not because it's so bright or cause it's unique, but because it demands your attention. You have to respect a color like that. The other colors could learn a lot from Highlighter Yellow... especially you Brown.

Behind the Music

I always liked the song "Pepper" by the Butthole Surfers. When it first came out, I liked it so much that I wanted to be a butthole surfer. It wasn't until later I realized there was a lot more to being a butthole surfer than just surfing. Thank god I didn't do anything I'd regret... cool song though.

Breaking from the Pack

Unlike everyone else I put my pants on both legs at a time. Sure it's a chore and there's a lot of hopping involved, but it's worth it to know I stand out in a class of my own.

The Incredible Edible Cracker

The people who make animal crackers should try making life-size crackers, and then putting them in parks and zoos. It would be great for marketing, but on the downside, it would probably increase the number of animals that will die because a child bit their head off.

An More Interesting Bee

There should be a word in the English language that simply means "Impossible to spell". Then they could use this word at the final round of spelling bees, and everyone will be amazed when someone spells it correctly. The judges will all say "That's impossible!" and dub him "The Chosen One". All in all I think it would make spelling bees a little more interesting, but then so would an actual bee that could spell... Eh, either way.